Hello my loves. I know its Saturday and it should be totally fun but I think its time that I actually talk about what happened to me 4 weeks ago today that caused me to write this post on change and this post on plans. If you haven't read those I would suggest you do that now before you read this one. So you done reading those? Awesome! This post is not going to be anything fancy or geared towards you guys specifically. I am just letting go and writing today. This is me documenting a major event. Also let me just say that as a disclaimer, this post is not meant to be hateful or to cast blame on anyone or to make anyone feel bad. This blog is my safe place and I have a right to put whatever I want on here. Again, this post is not meant to be hateful. Okay enough of that. Let's hop to it.
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Women have this extra sense that I believe we receive at birth. It takes a while however to realize exactly what it does so before we realize we have it ourselves, we call it the mommy sense. Its when you have this nagging feeling all the time about a certain thing that you just know isn't right. Like something is seriously wrong. It's not just this natural sense though, I truly believe God gave this sense to women specifically for a reason. I haven't quote figured out its specific purpose but I'm sure when I have kids one day, I'll understand more.
For a while I had been having this nagging sense in my heart and head concerning my relationship. Like that feeling when you know something isn't right. Very few people knew that I was feeling this way. In fact, the only people who knew were Kenz and my good friend Michelle. So my significant other didn't even know what was going on in my head. I just figured that everything would be okay. Though I told myself that over and over I never actually truly believed it.
The feeling never really stopped. Never really went away. But now I can put a name to that feeling. I know what that feeling is. Its the feeling you get when you think you are about to get broken up with. It was getting harder and harder to get up each day. I was so exhausted. It felt like I could never get enough sleep. I was working so hard. I was tired of being tired. I was tired of being sad. I was so drained physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. But even so I still kept telling myself everything will be fine. I truly believed that. Or at least I thought that's what I believed. Deep down I knew the truth.
So 4 weeks ago today I reentered the world of singleness. I was devastated. My whole world had come crashing down in the blink of an eye. I was single. Single for the first time in over a year and a half and I didn't know what to do. I called the one person you always call as soon as something like this happens. My mom. I called my mom. Of course I was still sobbing but eventually I was able to utter the words telling her I was now single. And like a great mother and woman of God does she offered to come to Boone to be with me. And of course I said yes. I mean who doesn't want their mom after something like that happens.
I woke up Kenz and I cried on her bed next to her for a long time. My mom and sister arrived a few hours later and by that point, most of the tears were gone. They left later that afternoon and then Kenz and I had a movie marathon. What movie? We started the Harry Potter series because that's the best thing to watch after a breakup. Obviously.
That Saturday was the last time I cried over that relationship. I haven't thought about him much either and that's not to say I don't care about him or how he's doing. Its just that I knew for a long time that it was coming. I had been expecting it. Because of that I was able to move on faster. I still wish him the best in all he does. We were growing as individuals but were no longer growing together in the same direction. It happens. There is nothing wrong with that and its okay to admit that maybe we weren't right for each other in the first place.
I have learned so much from this whole situation. I learned what I do and don't want in a lifelong mate. I learned a lot about myself and about who God wants me to be. Though I was sad and still sad at times, I am so thankful for all of the good memories we shared together. I believe that God redeemed me in this experience. He showed me so many things and I can't wait to share all of those things with you. Here is a quote I found a few days after the breakup on Pinterest. It is so true. I am exactly like this
Here are some things that I learned that I think every woman and man should know. I believe these are things that everyone should remind themselves of, including me, so as to never lose sight of who you are.
If you can't be totally open and honest about what you're feeling in a relationship, its probably time to remove yourself from the relationship. I should have been talking to him about what I was feeling back in May when it started. But I was so scared he'd be mad or would break up with on the spot that I just kept it to myself. That's a no-no. ALWAYS be open and honest.
Never ignore the red flags. Ya know those things that your family or friends say 'whoa that's not okay' or 'hey I don't think that's a good thing' about. Pay attention to those things. They aren't saying it to hurt you or make you mad, they are protecting you and trying to make you look at the relationship and specific situation as a whole. Not just from your perspective but as if you were an outsider looking in on what's happening. It can save you a lot of heartache.
Never compromise who you are. This one is harder for the women than it is for the bros. Why? Because we are emotional creatures and because of that we tend to want to always please. It is also in our nature to be submissive to men. However it is so incredibly important to be submissive but to never EVER lose who you are. I know I am not alone in saying that I struggle with this. When I love, I love really hard which sometimes means I am willing to give up and give in to things way more than the guy is. I know I need to learn how to balance it out. You can be submissive and still be independent.
The Lord is never wrong. NEVER. Let me say it one more time. The Lord is NEVER wrong. Like ever. He created everything, how could He ever be wrong? He knows what's best and I can promise you that His plans for you are way better than anything you could EVER come up with. Also, His love story for you is so much more beautiful than anything you could ever dream of. Wait on the Lord. He knows when you are ready for a lifelong commitment. Hide yourself in Him and the right man will find you there in God's time.
I have so much hope in the the future and I can truly say that my hope comes my Heavenly Father. I have hope because I know He holds my future and it is great. My focus is no longer on the Earthly but on the Heavenly. It's time for me to find myself in God again. Let go and let God.
This has been the most difficult post for me to write thus far. I wanted it to sound right and make sense but also not be spiteful or show anger. I have no anger and I am truly happy. I have only had one moment in the past 4 weeks that I had a hard time being single, but other than that I have been great. I am excited to see where God takes me. I want to say thank you to the people that have been there for me throughout this whole thing. You know who you are. I love each and everyone of you. I am so blessed to know you!
Now I'm gonna enjoy my relaxing weekend at the beach. I can't wait to recap it for you on Tuesday! Follow me on Instagram and Twitter to keep up with all the things I'm doing while down in Dirty Myrtle.
All my love, Carly ♥